Most of my life now gets spent in Johannesburg traffic. Either I’m waking up to get through it or it stands between me and my journey back home; unless I have a 24-hour day at work; God bless their souls for giving me 3 hours of sanity before I have to sleep and wake up to do this again… sometimes I get lucky in my day and do what I want to do. but in those crazy days where I’m forced to reevaluate my life,I find myself feeling emotional about my inability to control the shit around me. But do I break down and cry? NO! Instead, I resort to performing little acts of superwomaness just to remind myself that I’m a boss. So today is that day! Creme Soda in hand (in a wine glass of course!) and laptop on… lap (I know.. that line does sound lame doesn’t it…? ) allow me to explain the process of finding Mr Right, during traffic.
As you know,traffic is a result of many different vehicles on the road at the same time. These many different vehicles are driven by many different people, and in this pool of many different people; are men. Some being your potential future somethings. Exciting thought right? Ok. So on these congested paths, with all these people on them, how can you find or rule out the man who is destined for you? It’s simple.
Over the past week I have observed the following characters on the road:
1. The Taxi driver
Let me start off by saying that the way our taxi drivers’ behaviour is set up, they make my job/explanation very easy. We all know, from their ability to drive with finesse and leave colossal atrocities in their black exhaust cloud of pollution, that these guys,although great at manoeuvring traffic, they’re equally as great at pissing people the fuck off. The taxi driver shares the characteristics of… well a taxi driver; but also, he is the type of guy who will make you pick up a drug habit or a baby and… disappear!
2. The guy who always wants to COME first in your life (in more ways than one)
So yesterday as I was driving home (through traffic) I needed to get to another lane so as to avoid the offramp. Usually, I just indicate, check if the person can see me and go in. So this guy next to me also decides that “no,I’m coming into your lane” so then I think perfect, we’re going to do a switcharoo. Not this guy hey. He literally closes me off with every attempt I make to get into his lane, even after the driver behind me has opened up for him,he just wants to come first hey; doesn’t care about my position or state of mind. I was so humoured actually. So yes. That’s him. That’s a perfect example of a selfish man who is after his own agenda and couldn’t give a flying fuck about you on and off the road.
3. Al Desperado
Then there are these two guys…the guys that just care a bit too much. You know that type hey? The type that tells you when your period is due when you don’t even know them. Not even like that, just period haha. You’ve never noticed him but he always monitors your mood in the office and he’s stacked empty bottles on his desk with your scent trapped in them. On the road that guy can be the scrub or even the driver. All you need to look out for is the guy who tries to get your attention so much that he’s waving till his wrist falls off, or stalking you from his rear view, side view, front view adjacent view mirror and even his bloody blind spot. Sometimes he hoots. Yes,even hooting. So if you dare give either of them your number, I’d imagine your experience to turn into one where… you go missing. So just don’t okay? promise?
Then one day, when you have lost all hope in men and you’re making your way home, you indicate so you can turn into the right lane and LOW AND BEHOLD! There he is, in all his kind and patient manly glory… waiting… for YOU! I mean you get excited and stuff until you discover that mister nice guy only opened for you because:
A) His car stalled and he did not mean to actually let you in
B)He was on his phone… texting
C)He was trying to score points with the lady in his car
D)He needed space between himself and the creepy driver who kept glaring at him through the rear view mirror, or
E) He might just be a nice, kind guy.
This last scenario actually reminds me a lot about life. When you meet a guy, you never really know his agenda. You cannot tell whether he is in it for the long haul or if he’s just going through the motions. Hey man… you never know if a guy is just soley obsessed with your eyes that his agenda is saying anything possible just so he can keep seeing you and staring at them all day.
What is the moral of this story you might ask? Well I don’t know, I did not help you find your dream man in traffic, but thanks for visiting my blog 🙂